"THE LUNGS represent our capacity to take in and give out life"L.H
Sometimes life has a way of pressing pause on everything ~ without giving you a fraction of a choice, as you are brought to a complete halt.
Our sweet Adan
Our world started to spin on January 7th ~ what started off as a brief moment with an odd breathing pattern, landed us in the ER the very next day. Our sweet Adan also had a fever, he was struggling to breathe with ease and our joyous little bubs was nowhere in sight. We were sent home after a 5 hour visit and told “it’ll likely get worse before it gets better” but he’ll be fine, labeling it as a virus in the right lung. On Friday we saw his Dr. for his routine checkup and she gave us similar advice. We were to go back to the emergency, only if things got worse. My mama radar felt heightened and something felt off.. Saturday our little nugget didn’t stop crying all day, he was feverish and his breathing was laboured and required a lot of effort. Late afternoon I got into the car, barely packed a thing and went right to the ER. My beautiful partner cared for our daughter as I took off with Adan. From that moment on, things started to move quickly, hours rolled by, multiple moments with nurses and Drs. as I watched our sweet boy spiral…
Over the next 48 hrs he was poked and prodded over and over ~ attached to a machine that supported his breath, routine vitals, temperature checks and they repeatedly did deep suctioning of his airways (by far the most challenging thing to witness). His fear. Intense tears. His blood shot eyes. Big helpless cries.. Will forever stay with me. I cried non stop as my little boy was in the hands of doctors who knew this virus was doing a number on his little body. I didn’t sleep for the first two days, my body was in fight and all I wanted to do was watch my sun breathe, I observed the rhythm of his chest and fixated on his little hands and feet. Only 4 months ago I experienced an unbelievable initiation to bring him earth-side, a birth I have yet to fully process.. and here we were in the hospital hanging onto hope and a prayer that this would soon pass.
RSV ~ the most dangerous in children under 6 months. The virus hits differently in all cases, some experience a short period of illness while others experience peaks and it can last days, even weeks. I witnessed my little boy turn shades of blue, white, yellow, moments of apnea and brief loss of consciousness after the shock of deep suctioning. His sweet blue eyes were red and glossy, all while he worked so very hard to breathe, something we do without awareness most days.
According to Louise Hay's philosophy on the mind-body connection, lung problems are often linked to emotional issues surrounding grief, the ability to "take in life fully," and feelings of unworthiness. In her book Heal Your Body, and similar works, she suggests that physical ailments have underlying mental and emotional patterns. Breathing problems in general are associated with fear, not trusting the process of life, getting stuck in childhood, or fear of fully taking in life. She believes that issues like depression, grief, or not feeling worthy of living life fully are the potential mental causes.
My sweet boy experienced so much both in my womb and earth-side in his short life. The first 4 months of my pregnancy I was vomiting multiple times a day and in a state of sadness and grief, at 3 months we were under the impression we had experienced a loss and our hopes of having 2 children was shattered when I passed the sac at home. To our surprise at our appointment we were informed there was still a heartbeat, my little warrior sun was still in there fighting, there had been two. It is easy to bypass these monumental moments in our lives but when we do, we override the potency. Everything that I lived in my body, my sun lived too. My pain, anger, grief and sadness was felt by him as I moved through the intensity of it all. I often hear about the resilience of young children “they won’t remember” - yes AND their bodies do. We hold all that we live through within our being, these moments and experience are what shape us. After the loss I did a healing session with the incredible Annie Bouthot and she recognized something in my unborn sun, a need to reassure him that he deserves to take up space in the world, that the loss he experienced in the womb would result in a challenging time accepting his place here on earth. She gave me these mantras to support him ~ Pour bébé ✨
1. J’ai retrouvé mon indépendance
2. Je prends ma place dans mon originalité en acceptant le cours des évènements
3. J’ai les capacités pour vivre et m’occuper de mes besoins
I never knew things would unravel as they did but my heart feels there is strong connection between what he lived in my womb and what he has lived here.
Adan arrived on September 1st, just 4.5 months ago (the same timeline of the beginning of my pregnancy) and since his arrival he has once again been in an environment full of grief and sadness. He has two loving mothers that do their very best everyday, however, his reality has not been easy. Adan’s sister has experienced profound grief and sadness, her world changed completely once he arrived. Her trust in connection, attachment, love and her role here, have all been tested. Is she the first to have a sibling? Obviously not, this is a normal and common occurrence around the world, but how often do we hold the child through these profound initiations? How often to we really sit with their pain? Children are resilient, YES, AND these moments will mold them into who they’re becoming. Amidst adapting as a family of four, I have been in my own grief - losing parts of myself that will never return, becoming a mom of 2 and grieving the space I had with just 1 child. I have also been moving through tremendous healing with my own Mother. I believe children choose their parents and in doing so, they hold everything in this lifetime that mirrors to us what we need to heal. I have held on for as long as I can remember, this deep rooted need to be seen by my mother, constantly disappointed when I feel she doesn’t. I keep trying for things to align with my viewpoint. In the fragility of postpartum, sleepless nights and being a complete beginner to this new reality, I fell back on my old ways. I’ve confronted my mom repeatedly - moving from the lens of my inner child. I have repeated the same painful pattern that my nervous system knows all too well - over and over again.
So over the past 4 months, my sweet Adan has lived all of this in his small little body. Is his virus my fault? No. But I would be a hypocrite if I denied what I believe in my bones. The heart, body and mind are all connected. Our physical body isn’t separate from our emotional and spiritual realities. The lungs hold unexpressed grief, so perhaps this was a way for his precious little body to clear all that isn’t his to hold.
I am not asking any of you who read this to take on my beliefs nor to question your reality based on what I have shared. I feel strongly that everything that we experience in this lifetime serves as a teaching and it is never one thing that leads us to each experience. Things culminate and often when a realignment is required, big events happen to help us get back on track.
My parents had left for Indonesia the day I went to the hospital with Adan, as soon as they found out, they flew back. 6 flights in 7 days. Perhaps all that has unraveled before us was an opportunity for us to heal, to do things another way and for us all to reflect on what really matters in the end. Love. Family. Community. Togetherness.
This life is so incredibly precious. We all go through our own versions of pain, loss, love, joy, fear and happiness. Although we walk different paths, our humaness is what connects us all. Through sharing our truths we are repeatedly reminded that we aren’t alone. I have known on a visceral level that mothering without a village is completely backwards and feels impossible. This recent journey amplified my certainty in the need for community. Within minutes of posting on Instagram in my stories and sharing with my close friends with a quick text, meals were brought to the hospital, food was dropped off at our home and numerous hands were willing to hold Amaia as we moved through the storm. My brother stepped away from everything to come be by my side at the hospital, I truly don’t know how I would have done it alone. In an instant - our loving village was there. This reminded me of how beautifully connected we are through pain, our empathy heightens and our compassion expands.
The world is upside down at the moment - there are humans living realities that I truly can’t begin to imagine. I do know that when I allow myself to fully live the magnitude of my own life and when I am present with all of my human waves, my heart expands, my capacity to surrender grows and my willingness to love more deeply stretches. Embodiment is the way of the future and there is no hiding when you are asked to become what you want to see in the world. We cannot dance in the light without finding our way through the darkness… The only way out - is through.
“We are all just walking each other home.” Rumi
With love,
Nicole
This moment, time to go home my sweet boy - his first smile after days with a stunned gaze.