Post — Nicole Jones

Moment captured at our Mother’s blessing by Valerie Boulet

“Giving birth and being born brings us into the essence of creation, where the spirit is courageous and bold and the body, a miracle of wisdom.” Harriette Hartigan

Where to begin ~ I don’t truly know but I trust what is meant to be shared, witnessed by others and put into words - will.

My entire journey with my sun was an initiation from start to finish. My pregnancy took me into places that felt impossible to reach and excruciating at times to grasp. My physical body was tested, my heart was ripped apart and my trust in something greater almost vanished. They say that motherhood stretches you when you don’t think you can be stretched anymore… and yet somehow you find a way. Now more than ever I am reminded of the power that women hold, it is immeasurable and there is nothing more fierce. My belief that women are beyond words doesn’t insinuate men are less than... But rather, my heart feels that we are in revolutionary times that are reminding us of how we have forgotten how very powerful women are, we are being asked to come back home to this unshakable truth. Mother Earth is crying for our attention and this is reflected around the world through selective compassion, inequality, racism, war, violence, hate and at the root ~ there is a similar theme weaved through, we have lost our connection to source, to our true power - to the fact we are souls living a human experience. Humanity has forgotten what it means to be human. When we feed capitalism and get lost in a world that drowns us in technology, we lose sight of how very sacred we all are. In my eyes ~ returning to the womb, the power of creation ~ how we ALL traveled here, reminds us of something profound, it is also the thread that connects us all.. When we lose sight of the sacredness that exists in every life, we ultimately lose sight of everything.

After over 2 weeks of my body slowly preparing for my sun’s arrival, on September 1st at 3:11am my beautiful boy crossed over. Adan landed earth-side with the support of a phenomenal team at Lasalle hospital. My beautiful partner and I were blessed with an exceptionally compassionate Doctor, an unbelievable doula; Alex Negru and a team of nurses that held the strength and power in the room. At 12:30pm on Sunday August 31st my waters were broken ~ this is when my journey towards birth started to take shape. I had no idea where I was headed or how it would all unfold but I had wished that my sun would be born vaginally without medical intervention. As I write this ~ it was simply a wish because I know with certainty, birth and plan do not go hand in hand but rather, birth is the biggest invitation to surrender to what is. The more you release your need, want, desire to control, the easier it is to allow what is destined to happen. The birth portal is an intimate dance with you and your child, their story is being weaved before your eyes and there is so much happening that is beyond this realm.

Shortly after I lost my waters my body started to respond, contractions penetrated through my center like lightening. The sensations were piercing, strong, painful and like nothing I had ever experienced before. My body felt like it was being taken over by something and I had to surrender to whatever was unraveling because it was so alive within and driven with such force. For hours this continued. My partner and doula supported me physically through pressure points, warm baths, massage and they manipulated my body in ways to attempt to relieve the intensity of it all. As time passed, the sensations strengthened and put me in an out of body state, I felt like I was being hit by tsunami waves of pain ~ pain that I had never lived. Each wave felt like there was no way I could handle anything more.. but yet I did, I found my breath, I uttered unfamiliar noises and accessed this primal power within that allowed me to keep on going.

TIME? Where did it go, I was in a vortex that kept getting deeper and more profound. I tried not to look at the clock but then I saw a glimpse of it and realized it was 9:45pm. How had I been moving through these sensations since 1pm? My Dr. then let me know I was 9.5cm dilated and it was time to push, my sun was coming soon.. So they thought. I had this sense of relief move through my body because I was already feeling so exhausted and in such discomfort, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I knew active labor meant this would escalate the intensity but I had confidence it would be brief and he would be here soon, in my arms… my beautiful sun would be born on the 31st of the month, like my daughter and on a Sacred Sunday.. WOW!

He had other plans.. For the next 5 hours I was in a state that is hard to put into words.. My body was there but my mind was being stretched and there was a force that existed within me that I can’t really name. There was a part of me that felt like I couldn’t keep on going, yet I also knew I had no choice. I allowed each round of pushing to be treated as the last and I dug deep for power to move through what felt like a mountain of pain. My contractions became incredibly intense but short so there wasn’t enough power to push my baby out that was needed. Each round the team that surrounded me would encourage me and guide me how to apply force so that he would arrive… But like a deflated balloon, there was this sigh that followed each round.. I felt defeat from those around me, I knew I would have to do it again as that last push didn’t work. This went on for hours.. every contraction, thinking it was the last- I would give it my everything, then a moment of discouragement would follow. Tears rolled down my face, frustration came in waves and pure exhaustion was felt throughout my entire body. As time passed I started to feel, what seemed like, knives penetrating my lower back and extending throughout my entire pelvis, it felt like burning daggers that wouldn’t subside. In sacred moments my doula would come close to whisper words of encouragement into my ear.. My beautiful partner stayed anchored even though I sensed the tears that were hiding behind her unwavering strength, I knew it was killing her to see me in so much pain… yet she stayed steady and remained rooted in my desire to have a VBAC. Cynthia became my voice when I was presented with a shot of oxytocin, an episiotomy .. She said No (with my consent), “let her push one more time.” She had faith in me, when I was losing complete faith in myself. The nurses opted to put extra hands on my uterus to create more force.

About 4 hours of active labor passed and I was really struggling to keep myself upright and it felt like I was on the brink of losing consciousness, the team kept holding me and confidently reminding me that I just needed one more push and he’d be here. There was a moment I cried out loud to my guides and asked everyone to call in their team of support ~ I even said “God help me” I can’t do this alone.. Words that aren’t part of my vocabulary yet they felt necessary in that moment, I just couldn’t do it anymore… In the last stretch the pain was so overwhelming, I knew I had to push at each contraction, it actually was more intense to not push but my energy was dwindling. A couple contractions surfaced and I curled up in a ball on my side and said I can’t push anymore - let the pain run through me and I will find the strength next round to give it a go. As we moved closer to 5 hours of active labor my Dr. said - your baby needs to come out, his heart rate is fluctuating and you have been pushing far too long.. Let’s give it all you got and bring this baby home. I can’t remember if it was this next push or the following.. With support, force and 5 women by my side I gave everything I had left and it felt different, I started to feel relief - he was on his way home. My Dr. and my partner supported his exit and instantaneously I was guided to grab him and hold him close… What transpired after this moment is a bit of a blur but I couldn’t help but mumble the words “I did it” - I was trembling, sweating, shaking uncontrollably and the endorphins were running through me like rushing water downstream. 40 weeks and 6 days I housed this beautiful soul in my womb - and now he was here, in my arms, against my chest.. This is when it all became incredibly real…

The sacred moment that allowed my breath to come back into my awareness, where I started to grasp that the end had arrived… The moment I uttered in a trembling voice over and over “I did it” ~ I shivered in disbelief and the tears flooded from my eyes like a waterfall. I didn’t know how but… “I did it.”

This particular birth opened my eyes to the unbelievable power that women hold within their own being - I got to travel to this sacred space that allowed me to move through a physical feat that my mind couldn’t quite grasp. In community, in the hands and care of other women I crossed a threshold that I could not of surmounted without their presence. As I pleaded for help and for the support of my guides (repeatedly) I was able to do something extraordinary.. Experience an unmedicated physiological birth. As I share this, I believe every soul has a story and every birthing mother does too.. There is no right way or wrong way to bring a child earth-side but I chose to share my journey because it truly changed me and it was all because I was held by a divinely orchestrated team that held me when I lost my ability to hold myself.. yet I still passed through with strength, determination amidst my profound unwavering vulnerability. My beautiful partner was asked how was it for her to be present for my birth- her response will echo in my heart for the rest of my life.. She replied with awe and so much emotion flooding behind her words “It was such a privilege to be able to witness it all.” How fortunate am I to walk through life with an incredible partner who is not only my anchor through and through but a force of a woman that can hold me in ways I never deemed imaginable.

“Each birth carries its own song, its own story, weaving ancient wisdom with new life.” – Author Unknown

“Imagine if our culture told us that birth was one of the greatest things a woman might ever do. Imagine if the stories and images we were exposed to taught us that labor is an incredible and transformational experience. A rite of passage into motherhood.” – Leonie MacDonald

Thank you for taking the time to read about my sacred birthing journey. As I continue to defrost from the experience and tend to my healing I am frequently hit with waves that bring me right back to how it all unraveled. Finding words here will never truly grasp the totality of it all but it does offer a glimpse into the magic I got to live. May we all never forget how very sacred life is, when we lose sight of the miraculousness birth holds, we risk losing sight of everything.

With love,

Nicole

REBIRTH ~ Welcome to the world my sweet Sun

Nicole Jones